Single Parenting

Did anyone see the current (April) issue of Parents magazine? There’s a fabulous feature, “The Single Mom’s Survival Guide: If you’re splitting up, you need to help your kids (and yourself) make it through the rough stuff,” by Meagan Francis and Ilisa Cohen.

“After being a single mom for three years, I discovered things about myself I’d never had the opportunity to find out when I was married: I was independent and accomplished, and I was able to run a household, bring home a paycheck, and take excellent care of my kids. My children learned just how much we all have to depend on each other — and on others — to function as a family. As a result, they became more responsible and empathetic.”

I was caught off guard by the writer’s surprise ending, but see for yourself!

You can read the full article here.

single mom, divorce, Parents, magazine, survival, guide, single mom’s

I recently took a head-first dive into the book, “The Courage To Be a Single Mother” by Sheila Ellison — for my second time. I first read this book in a haze almost seven years ago, when I first became a single mom to my baby girl. Now, as I read this book the second time around, I’m more grounded and stronger. I’m truly able to swallow what Ellison says about loving myself, knowing what I want, and moving on.

If you’re going through a divorce, I highly recommend “The Courage To Be a Single Mother.” There might be a copy at your library; if not, request one.

Sheila Ellison, single mother, single mom, courage, divorce, children, love

I just discovered this really funny, poignant blog, WouldaShoulda, about an “over-educated, under-appreciated, divorced mom to two” who is “soon to be married to the handsome and wonderful—albeit geeky and pseudonymous—Otto.”

You say that you’ve visited Mir before? You know that I can be a bit slow on the blog roll. Here I am, at 10:22 p.m., with my Big Girl still stirring. Jeesh.

Mir says she’s “trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up when you’re already into your 30s [with] two small demanding creatures underfoot assume…. Sometimes, you’ve just gotta laugh. (Other times, you’ve just gotta scream. I prefer the former.)”

Ah, man, do I get that.

Her kids? Chickadee is eight-and-three-quarters years old, Monkey is seven, and they “are the most fantastic, wonderful, fascinating, aggravating people I know. If you read me for more than a day or two, you’ll come to know and adore them.”

You’ve just gotta check this blog out, okay?

divorced, mom, kids, wouldacoulda.com, family, marriage, Mir

I’m sorry if this comes across as self-promotion, I can’t stand that. So bear with me here, okay? One of my all-time favorite single mom bloggers, Kimberly at Solo Mom, has just reviewed Single Mom Seeking.

Solo Mom says:

I like Rachel. I like her in person (or whatever the internet equivalent of that is), and I liked her on paper. Which is what made parts of the book hard for me to take; at times, I just wanted to reach into the pages, shake her, and ask “what are you thinking?� Given that it is a memoir, we are treated to some of her thoughts on her various relationship misadventures, but not enough for my taste. To be honest, I would’ve liked to hear more about the single mom aspect of her life, and less about the seeking.

But maybe that’s because I get it when Rachel writes about being a single mom. I recognize the heaps of laundry. I’ve lived the exercise in military planning that a trip to the drugstore to buy tampons can become. And I certainly understand the desire to just fedex a guy from boyfriendstore.com, not to mention the need to entertain him in the living room. I just don’t get the seeking part.

And this is where I’d love to hear the thoughts of readers of this blog.

While initially I was thrilled to be part of this online dialogue — about dating as a single mom — I’m now taking cover. Numerous of Solo Mom’s single moms have lashed out at me:

“Wait, she let her daughter call a guy “daddy” when they had been dating for 3 weeks?! I don’t even have words to describe my feelings of revulsion…”

“I work in the field of child protection, and all too often, I have gone to homes where the mother has had multiple men in and out and has encouraged her children to call these people daddy, only to have them leave shortly thereafter. I have seen the devastating and damaging impact that this has on the children. Can you imagine being a little child and having someone to call daddy only to have that person leave?…. No, I haven’t been in your place, however, I too have had traumatic experiences, and I would not put my “issues” and needs onto my child in any way.”

I’ve made some mistakes. I’ll be the first to admit this.

When my daughter was not yet two, and we started to hang out with my then-boyfriend, she called him “Daddy.”

Should I have corrected her? Perhaps. But what do you say to a toddler? “I’m sorry, honey, he is not your daddy. You don’t have a daddy.”

I let it go. And so did she. Soon, she was calling him by his first name.

Have any of your toddlers done this?

Have any of you, as single parents, make mistakes?

Please tell you me have.

single mom, single parent, single, dating, dad, daddy, child, children, solo mom, ivillage

I think this beautiful poem accurately describes my path right now in single parenting and life… learning from my experiences, taking responsibility for my choices, moving on while I keep my eyes wide open… Is there a certain poem that describes your life journey right now?

Please send it to me!

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson
I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson, single parenting, poem, street, hole, moving on, journey, life

Single Parents… Did you know that tomorrow, March 21, is Single Parents’ Day?

Jennifer Wolf at Single Parents at About.com has posted sample cards to “Honor Mom on Single Parents Day.”

Check them out here:
“Use this note to honor your mom and say “Thank you” for all that she has done for you. You can also send it to her by E-mail.”

Sure, they might be a bit corny, but if my Big Girl came to me with one of these babies, signed by her, I’d be in tears…..

single parents, single parents day, honor, holiday, March 21, mom, appreciate

Does this sound familiar? There’s a great piece in today’s Minneaoplis Star-Tribune by Gail Rosenblumon on “When kids become confidants: Single parents often enjoy a special bond with their children. But too much togetherness could stunt growth — for both.”

Parenting is an exhausting, albeit exhilarating proposition. Single parenting can be doubly so. Still, despite loneliness, financial worries, or just a burning desire for somebody else to clean the toilets, many single parents say it’s easier to lean on the comfort and familiarity of their offspring than spring back into the adult world of dating.

Also the writer kindly gives a nod to “Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates and Other Dispatches From The Dating World,” and other books for “the growing number of happily unattached women of all ages,” such as “The New Single Woman,” by Kay Trimberger and “Single by Chance, Mothers by Choice: How Women are Choosing Parenthood Without Marriage and Creating the New American Family,” by Rosanna Hertz.

single parents, children, loneliness, Single by Chance, Mothers by Choice, The New Single Woman, Minneaoplis Star-Tribune, dating

This is what singles columnist Diane Mapes concludes today in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, “The Singles File: Don’t be childish about dating a mom.”

“Single Mom Seeking” makes it clear that, despite any and all challenges, dating with a baby onboard can be done, especially when friends, family and fellow single parents chip in with the moral, emotional and, most of all, baby-sitting support.

But alas, those anti-single mom guys are at it again, claiming that we “are not really serious partner material” and we are “over-focused” on our kids.

Single moms, it’s time to speak up!

If you want to read the comments — and I encourage you to respond — please do so here.

Seattle, single moms, men, dating, children, kids, single parents, Diane Mapes

Rumor has it that Kevin Federline is pitching his idea for a new reality show focusing on his new life as a single dad, according to the parent’s website, Babble.com.

Blogger Alisyn Cobb says that:

In addition to his kids with Britney (Sean P., 18 mos., and Jayden, 6 mos.), he is also dad to Kori, 5, and Kaleb, 2, with ex Shar Jackson… this strikes me as distasteful, if it is, indeed, true… In this case, I think any further exploitation of Sean and Jayden would be tantamount to child abuse; as it is, those boys can’t even go to the park without paparazzi trailing them - now their own dad wants to invite them in for coffeecake, too? Please….. I would hope that Britney’s lawyers would put the kibosh on any deal Kevin tries to make with a TV network - but truthfully, I wouldn’t be surprised if they had masterminded the idea in the first place.

During my own TV interviews about dating as a single mom, the producers have asked me many times if they could interview my daughter, too. Now that my Big Girl is almost seven, I’ve asked her if she “wants to go on TV with Mommy.” Across the board, her answer has been “No.”

She’s shy in front of strangers. She doesn’t want to talk about Mommy’s book. And you know what? I respect her decision. She’s a kid after all. She wants to color and make lemonade and play in the sprinklers.

What do you think about filming Britney’s kids for a TV reality show?… And doesn’t it make you laugh out loud to hear that Kevin is being referred to as a “single dad”? C’mon now, who’s really bringing up those kids in that family? Kevin, Britney… or The Nanny?

Kevin Federline, Britney Spears, TV, celebrity, celebrities, reality show, single dad, single mom

When I first moved back to California five years ago as a single mom, online dating was the talk of the town.

It’s so-not-me, I thought.

I’m the kind of woman who has to see a man in the flesh to fall in love. Computers are for word processing, not man hunting.

As my single mom friend, Siobhan, puts it, “I have to smell a man! You can’t do that on a computer screen!”

Still, my girlfriends dared me to post my profile on Match.com. I’m a sucker for dares. So, online I went.

“Are you an honest, big-hearted man with no addictions, except coffee?” I asked in the first line of my Match.com profile.

A funny thing happens when you decide to open yourself up to a new possibility, like dating. It actually happens. I organized all “my men” in a thick three-ringed binder. There was Gary, the divorced businessman who liked watching movies that make him sad. There was Robby, who looked like a Calvin Klein ad and went to AA meetings every week to stay sober.

I fell in love with the anonymity of it all, the minutes ticking by, my fingers tapping out responses. It felt so safe to be checking men out from my living room. I scrolled through hundreds of them, clicking on their photos.

But online dating is a demanding, arduous job without pay. After a couple of months, I had bags under my eyes. I was crankier than my kid.

My angel… As a flower girl in her cousin’s wedding

As it turns out, single motherhood has been my first lesson in learning how to date — for real. Pre-kid, I confused a red flag for a green light. Pre-kid, I didn’t know what my deal-breakers were — now I do. Dating as a single mom taught me to my trust instincts when they tell me to pause.

What I’ve learned is that no matter how a date ends, what really matters at the end of the day is coming home to my girl-power house and kissing my first love, my daughter.

I am first and foremost a mom, dedicated completely to my daughter’s well-being. She will always come first.

dating, single mom, single parents, red flags, motherhood, men, friends, dating

Calling all Choice Moms!

For the first time ever in history, Choice Mom Expo will take place in April in the Bay Area — and you’re invited.

Over 200 Choice Moms will be coming together in Berkeley, CA on Saturday, April 28, from 9 to 1:30 p.m. Would you like to be there?

Online registration will begin today: Monday, March 12. Please email: choicemom@gmail.com

Here’s a previer of just a few of the speakers:

Leah Klungness, “Parenting Tips for the Complete Single Mother�

Christy Jones, “The Egg Freezing Option�

Carla Pedrussian, “Selecting a Donor�

(Yours truly will chat about “Dating as a Single Mom�)

This conference is being planned by amazing choice mom Mikki Morrissette, author of “Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman’s Guide”

For more info, Email: choicemom@gmail.com

single mom, single mom by choice, choice mom, Mikki Morrissette, donor, sperm

This month, I’m off to Seattle for The Book. I should be psyched. I should be calling old friends up north and planning a girls’ night — all night. I should be packing my heels and cleavage-showing shirts. But this is the first out-of-state trip I’ve ever taken without my Big Girl. Oh, sure, my six-year-old has had slumber parties at friends’ houses; and I’ve been on a total of two weekend trips since she was born. But there’s something about boarding a plane by myself…. I’m a bit emotional right now.

This is what’s reassuring: my sister and her dog will be staying at my place with Mae. Hopefully she’ll make the oatmeal just right and get her to school on time. Friends are jumping in left and right to pick her up at school with hugs and kisses.

travel, single mom, single parent, Seattle, book, alone

First, Happy International Women’s Day to all of you!

So, what’s my future advice for my Big Girl, as she approaches the ripe age of seven?….

Check it out here, in the most recent review of Single Mom Seeking in one of my fav kid magazine blogs at Cookie… written by award-winning novelist Caroline Leavitt.

My daughter Mae will turn seven in April. When I think about the dating advice I might give her someday, it will be this: Enjoy being single. Life is not about finding your prince and living happily every after. Get out there and be alive; have your own ball, kid. (And I’ll make a silent hope that she never repeats my mistakes.)

Please read the full story here.

single parents, single mom, Single Mom Seeking, Cookie, Caroline Leavitt, single, dating

This Sunday, March 11, from 9 - 10 a.m., I’ll be on one of my favorite local radio shows, CHILDHOOD MATTTERS, to talk about Life as a Single Parent. I’m thrilled to be joined by single father of two, David Dasilva.

Please listen at 98.1 FM and call in!

Raising a child without the help of a partner can seem overwhelming. What can single parents do to get the support they need? Join Rona, David and me as we discuss the challenges of single parenting — from fatigue to finding the time to date.

Share your thoughts: 1-877-372-KIDS

[Note that it's Daylight Savings]

single parent, fatigue, dating, radio, challenges, children

I’ve found that one of the best ways to explain our little family to my daughter is through books. Fortunately, today there’s a variety of kids’ books out there for single parents. My personal favorite, for the younger set (ages 4 to 7), is WHO’S IN A FAMILY?, by Robert Skutch. There’s even a make-your-own photo album at the back, where we’ve glued in pictures of our family: mama and Mae, aunt Rebecca, Grandpa….

single parent, single parents, children, family, books