Single Parenting

Here’s the news: this blog is taking a new direction! Do you have any questions about single parenting? Please send them in!

The amazing Leah Klungness Ph.D., a psychologist and co-author of the best selling The Complete Single Mother, and I are ready to put our thinking caps on to answer your questions.

This one just landed. Take a look and let us know your thoughts:

Q. I am a divorced woman with two school aged sons. Their dad lives out of state. He does the financial minimum, telephones weekly, and sees them when it fits his schedule. My boyfriend and I have known each other since childhood and we have been in an exclusive relationship for five years.

He lives with his daughters in another state (six hours travel time) and will not relocate because he wants to be an “every day dad”, not just a week-end visitor.

I won’t relocate the boys (yet again!). The children actually like each other and enjoy being together. All our children know we are “best friends”, but we have never let them see us as romantically involved. Both spiritually and emotionally, I don’t need or desire marriage, but, frankly, we would like to sleep together when we are together.

Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this situation keeping the best interests of our children as a priority?

Rachel says…

A: First, let me commend you both for being such loving, conscientious parents. It’s clear that both you and your boyfriend care deeply about your children’s well-being. You also sound like you’re committed to each other and that you trust each other. Bravo.

I recently heard from a divorced dad friend — who has custody of his two children — that he and his long-distance girlfriend had parted ways after being together years. They loved each other, and his kids adored her. But they realized that seeing each other every other month for a weekend wasn’t enough.

It sounds like you two are ready to avoid this sad outcome and take the next step. Be sure that you’re on the same page about what this looks like. Will you two share a bedroom for the weekend? Is it okay if the kids crawl into your bed in the morning? How will bathroom privacy be handled?

You sound like you’re ready to have an age-appropriate talk with your kids. Keep it simple and clear. Be sure to ask them, “Do you have any questions?”

About Rachel:
A couple of years into single motherhood, Rachel Sarah stopped picking up toys — and started picking up men. Not really, but it sure has a nice ring to it. Her book, Single Mom Seeking: Play Dates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World, was published this year. Please visit her at SINGLE MOM SEEKING.COM.

~~~

Dr. Leah says…

A: Moving forward toward the “next step” will involve a lot of careful thought and planning. Of course, there will be logistical issues, but the bigger concern will be the “Take Away” message. Whatever decision you make about what is appropriate, your children will get the message that this behavior is acceptable. You will both want to feel confident that your children can handle the same standards of behavior that are being modeled for them. Consider whether your actions could, perhaps, compromise the respect and authority you hold as parents.

There is also the “other mom and dad” to consider. It is not fair or realistic to expect children to be selective or discreet about what they share with the other parent or their extended family.

Listening and responding to your children’s questions in an age appropriate manner are a big part of making this “next step” work. One of the first questions that will be asked is why you aren’t getting married. It’s a logical question given your obvious love and devotion to each other. Think about organizing an intimate family gathering to celebrate your status as a committed couple. A few carefully chosen words, special refreshments, and (why not?) a few flowers and an exchange of gifts will honor your status as a “special couple” and will make the transition to a shared family life more meaningful and extraordinary.

About Dr. Leah:
Leah Klungness Ph.D. is a psychologist and co-author of the best selling classic The Complete Single Mother. Please visit her at JUSTASKDRLEAH.COM.

Photo courtesy of Ethel Experience at Flickr.com.

long distance, long distance relationship, single parent, single parents, single mom, single dad, divorced, children, marriage, questions, Rachel Sarah, Dr. Leah Klungness, Single Mom Seeking, The Complete Single Mother

Then this is your chance to meet some hot, witty, intelligent, single women authors in SAN FRANCISCO this week!

Bay Area contributors to the spanking-new Seal Press anthology, SINGLE STATE OF THE UNION: Single Women Speak Out on Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness, will be reading on Wednesday and Thursday this week.

Wed, May 16, 7 p.m.
At Book Passage One Ferry Building (along the Embarcadero)

Thurs, May 17, 7:30 p.m.
At Books, Inc. 2251 Chestnut Street (in the Marina)

Who will be there?

The book’s super-editor — Seattle’s Diane Mapes – as well as Bay Area writers Sasha Cagen, Jane Ganahl, April Sinclair, Wendy Manning, Rachel Eve Radway, and yours truly…

Of course, I’ll be reading a piece about all the slack I got for dating as a single mom.

I look forward to seeing you there!

single, single parent, single mom, single dad, dating, reading, book, Single State of the Union, Rachel Sarah, Bay Area

If you haven’t yet read the Huffington Post piece by Bella DePaulo – “In Praise of Single Mothers: Here’s What They Do Right” — which went up Mother’s Day, I encourage you to take a look.

DePaulo, the author of Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After, says that it’s time for us:

“…to let go of the fantasy that all children living in nuclear families have two totally engaged parents who lavish their love and attention on all their children, and on each other, in a home free of anger, conflict, and recriminations. The second is to grab onto a different sort of possibility - that many children living with single mothers have other important adults in their lives, too. I don’t mean just kids who have Grandma living with them. I also mean all of the kids who have grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, teachers, family friends, and others who care about them and make sure they know it.”

After analyzing many national studies on single parenthood, DePaulo adds that what matters is “NOT how many parents there were, or whether the parents were biologically related to the children. Instead, whether children had problems with their grades or with their siblings or friends depended on whether there was a lot of conflict within families, high levels of disagreements between parents, or endless arguments between parents and kids.”

Bravo. This is precisely what I imply in my essay in the new anthology Single State of the Union: Single Women Speak Out on Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness (Seal Press/Avalon, May 2007), edited by Diane Mapes.

When readers in the Washington Post bashed me last year for dating as a single mom, I wondered what planet they lived on. Whenever I’ve dated, my daughter has been in the most loving company: with her grandpa, aunt, close friends. Often, when I got home, she was having such a ball, that she wanted me to leave again.

What child wouldn’t want all of this one-on-one attention, day in and day out?

Bella DePaulo, Huffington Post, Washington Post, Singled Out, Single State, single parents, single moms, single dads, studies, nuclear family

This is our little family portrait that my daughter made on the computer.

This Mother’s Day, I’m sending a warm hug to all of you single moms out there. Whether you’ve been parenting solo for a long while, or you’re a recently divorced mom, or you’re about to take a separate road as your partner travels down the other lane… This Sunday, please know that you’re loved.

At the moment, I’m making little cards for all the mothers I know: my close single mom friends, a few moms in the neighborhood, a new mom, my cousin. As much as I snub all of these Hallmark holidays, I do think that moms deserve a day to be adored.

Today, my daughter made me a flower pot — complete with dirt and Zinnia seats to send — with “I love you” written on all the petals. Thanks Mae. (At her school, by the way, we celebrate “Parents’ Day” because we have so many unique forms of families.)

And my single dad from Canada, Peter Ehrlich of Single Parent Love Life, put this word out to the guys:

“If you’re her Ex, think for a moment of the nine long hard months she carried your child. Then acknowledge that she is a good mother who loves your child as much as you do. So why not call her or if that’s too difficult, just send her an email and say something kind?”

Mother’s Day, moms, mothers, Sunday, May 13, single moms

Love and kisses!

Have you “blended” your family? I don’t care for that term I very much, but it is the conventional phrase to describe a family like mine, who attempted to “blend” the boyfriend into our lives. It’s happening all around me these days: single parents are dating, finding the One, and taking it to the next level. When you mix lots of ingredients in the blender, things can get messy.

If you’re in a blended family, I’d love to hear from you!

· Are you a single parent who has found The One?

· Are you a single parent who recently got married? Are you living together?

· Are you dating a single parent?

· Are you married to a formerly single parent?

Please tell me what’s challenging for you about “blending” your lives:

· Has your child/children felt any resentment?

· How do you deal with the Ex? The in-laws?

· How do you handle holidays, if you have different customs?

· Have you created new rituals together?

· Who does the disciplining now? One of you? Both of you?

· Have any issues come up involving intimacy?

I’m looking for real stories about how parents in blended families deal with the challenges. Please write to me. Thanks!!

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Drum roll, please… the new glossy magazine, Single Mother, premieres this month (May/June 2007)!

I have a first-person piece about watching out for red flags when dating… which I’m still learning how to do.

This is the first national bi-monthly consumer periodical for single mothers, published in NYC by a single mother.

You can sign up HERE for a free trial issue.

Single Mother Magazine, single mother, single moms, single parents, dating, Rachel Sarah, free

Are you a single parent who has met the One? If you’re in a committed relationship, do you live together?…. Are you married?

You can read my latest Literary Mama column here — “Cheerleader for Love –” about moving in with The Boyfriend last summer.

It was perfect timing: the morning that my moving-in-with-the-boyfriend column was posted, this engaging discussion among the single moms of Single2Mother ensued about whether it’s a smart decision for you you, as a single mom, to move in with your boyfriend before you’re married.

This topic can be quite touchy. I consider myself to be VERY non-traditional, and yet, yet, yet…. Should we have gotten married first? Or, as another mom put it: “Maybe I’d wait until I was ‘engaged’?”

“Living with someone before marriage when you are single is up to the individual adults, but with a child that is just not something I think is a good stable decision,” writes another Seattle single mom. “In fact I see it as a bit selfish. I think kids need the most stability they can possibly get and that would be through a marriage… No relationship is a guarantee, but marriage at least is the closest thing we have to that.”

Well said.

Tell me single parents: how are YOU doing it?

As for me, the Boyfriend and I had talked about marriage and more kids BEFORE moving in together. He said that because he’d never lived with a woman before, he wanted to “try it” with me. That made sense to me at the time. Now, of course, there’s hindsight…. Try it? What am I, your experiment?

The Boyfriend, the Big Girl and Me….

blended family, single parent, single mom, single dad, divorce, boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship

Tammy, Dr. Leah and yours truly at the Choice Mom Expo

I had a ball at the Choice Mom Expo in Berkeley, CA last weekend. For me, the highlight was meeting both Tammy Rose — founder of the premiere single mom site, Single Rose – and Dr. Leah Klungness author of the award-winning book (now in its third edition) The Complete Single Mother. I’d been in touch with these two amazing women online for a long while, so it was such a treat to meet them in person, direct from New York and Texas.

Dr. Leah and I spoke about the the day-to-day realities as a single mom, and what it’s like to date again. Of course, we continued this conversation into the night with Tammy Rose.

The conference was organized by Mikki Morrisette of Choosing Single Motherhood, and most of the women in the audience were “choice moms” who were thinking about becoming mothers (or already have children) by donor insemination or adoption.

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Single Parent Love Life.com, a new and progressive online dating site for single parents and the enlightened singles open to meeting them, has declared May 13 as “Single Mother’s Day.”

Here’s just a taste of how the site plans to celebrate single moms this month:

We all know who she is.

• She’s the woman who made a beautiful and fun meal for her son and three other boys who would be sleeping over. While the boys are chowing down, she’s picking at the leftovers while she’s putting the finishing touches on the chocolate cake at the same time. She likes having sleepovers because she feels she’s providing her son with a larger, extended family.

• She’s the woman who is at the family resort, laughing wildly on a Seadoo while her son hugs her tightly from behind. There is just the two of them in a big bay. She can and will do anything outdoors a man can do.

• She’s the woman who got up at 6:30am to make a great brown bag lunch for her sons, then a breakfast of free range brown eggs, orange juice and a dozen kisses. She then spends the day working incredibly hard for Rogers, rushing out at 5:00pm to pick the boys up from daycare. Wait, she first has to stop to pick up at the grocery store because she remembered at the last moment that “the boys� wanted lasagna.

She’s is one of approximately 15,000,000 in North America. She is the bedrock of the fastest growing family type worldwide. She is the single mom.

More coming on Mother’s Day, via single dad Peter Ehrlich in Toronto, Canada. Not only did he write the above tribute (thanks Peter!), he has launched the premiere single parent website: Single Parent Love Life.
Email him at peter@singleparentlovelife.com

Mother’s Day, single moms, single parents, love, dating, Single Parent Love Life