Are you a single mom who’s dating?
Watch Out for Red Flags….
Are you a single mom who’s dating?
Initially I was terrified at the thought of reentering the dating scene. How do you balance the challenges of raising a healthy, happy child (or children) with the chaotic, emotionally-charged world of dating?
Is it fair to be thinking about men again? To be thinking about sex and relationships?
Yesterday, I had a LIVE radio interview with Joan Hamburg in NYC, about what it’s like to date as a single mom.
Listen here to the PODCAST at WOR 710 HD.
If you’re strapped for time — ah, as single parents I know that you often are! — here are a few of the tips I shared:
1. Enjoy Being Single
Who isn’t eager to find her prince and live happily ever after? In the meantime, I say, “Have your own ball.”
Take lots of bubble baths. Sign up for a poetry class. Take your kids to the beach. Being single can be an opportunity to have fun. Get out there and live the life you want, how you want.
2. Get a Tribe
When you’re a single parent who’s dating, having a clan of close friends is much more than a nice distraction — it’s the key to survival. Not only can you whine to your pals after a lousy date, they will certainly look out for you — and your child. Swap childcare with friends so you can have time to date. My friends have also been the best honest bogus detectors when it’s time for a potential boyfriend to pass the test.
3. Look for Red Flags
I won’t consider being with a man who smokes; or can’t pay his bills. What are you absolute about?
Know what your red flags are. Be selective. Here are some more behaviors that you just can’t overlook:
1. A man who gets too possessive too early bringing up marriage too soon or calling you all the time to “check in.”
2. A man who comes with a lot of baggage, such as an unsettled divorce or high unpaid debts. The last thing you want to do is take care of a man and your baby.
3. A man with a quick temper, the kind of guy who explodes into a stream of cuss words when another driver cuts him off during a casual drive during your date.
January 31st, 2007 at 6:10 pm
Rachel,
I’m with you on everything you just mentioned, except maybe the baggage part. An unsettled divorce is a definite no-no. However, most men(just like most women) come with some baggage. It’s just a natural part of life. The man who’s now my fiance (we’ve been together ten years) had been married and divorced (just as I had). He did not have children, but most men out there have some financial obligations.
In our case, he did not come out of his first marriage with a lot, and he had lots of student loans to pay off, just as I did. And those things can be high. I don’t think it’s a matter of finding someone who doesn’t have baggage, but a matter of knowing how much, and what kind, of baggage you can handle!
January 31st, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Gayle,
Thanks! You’re right, I should really clarify what I mean by “baggage.” Of course, we all come with our own baggage..
I once dated a man whose divorce was not finalized, and he and his ex were often fighting. I learned the hard way that I wouldn’t get into a scenario like that again.
I like how you put it: how much baggage can you handle? Maybe that’s the question.