Does he want a ‘mommy’?
Although I’m only 34 (!), I subscribe daily to “Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40,” written by the Dating Goddess, because her posts are so brilliant. Today’s blog really hit home for me:
The Goddess says:
“Some midlife women complain that some men they’ve dated seem to want someone to take care of them — a mommy. Of course, in a Oedipal twist, they also want her to perform in the bedroom, assuming he still can.
Being a mother figure isn’t all bad if that is what you like. Many women like nurturing and caring for others. But it does upset the transactional analysis concept that we behave in Parent, Adult and Child modes. Eric Berne’s theory is that the most evolved relationship is one where both people treat each other like adults.
Some couples’ relationships, however, are built on both taking on Adult/Parent behaviors about various things. Even some 21st-Century women expect the man be the Adult in the economic area where he is the primary breadwinner. The trade off is she takes on the Parent role in the caretaking/housekeeping area.
So what are the signs a guy is just looking for someone to take care of him? Here’s a list of somewhat obvious signs. (Any of these alone is not evidence of his wanting to be mommied, but if there are many of these signs, cut the apron strings.)
He lets you do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and domestic duties. If you suggest he help, he makes excuses, including “I don’t do it as well as you.� He conveniently “forgets� to do the tasks you request to share household chores.
He behaves in child-like ways. He leaves his clothes on the floor, doesn’t take initiative for household repairs, doesn’t manage his bills, may neglect his hygiene or appearance.
He shows submissiveness. Instead of his putting his arm around you, he takes your arm and puts it around his shoulders. His idea of cuddling is for you to enwrap him in your arms….”
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The Dating Goddess has described my ex to a T!
I will take full responsibility for diving in head-first into the Mommy role with my ex. As a single mom, it was easy — and yes, fulfilling at first — to make a bigger dinner every night so that he could join us. It was a no-brainer, at first, to pick up his clothes from the floor — as I often do for my daughter — and wash them, dry them, fold them. Wash his dishes? Sure!
Then he started to ask me to help him write his contracting bids for work, since I’m an English major. Sure, honey! But one day, I naively asked, “Who wrote your bids before me?”
“My other girlfriends.”
Ah, run for your life….
For more signs that show how a man wants to be mommied, read the rest of the Dating Goddess here.
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