Single Parenting

How will my daughter ever learn how to have healthy relationships with men if there isn’t a man around?

I often ask myself this question. The family snapshot I imagined when I was pregnant was not just the two of us. I’d pictured my daughter, Mae, riding atop her father’s shoulders every afternoon on her way home from preschool. Every night before bed, they’d dance in the living room together, as she balanced her little feet on top of his big ones, doing the foxtrot and rumba. Unlike me, Mae’s dad had rhythm.

She’s in first grade now, and her father has been out of the picture since she was an infant. I no longer hold onto that fantasy picture of the traditional family, but I do worry about what it means for Mae not to have a dad around.

Who will be there to compensate for my weaknesses? I’m a writer by trade, for instance, so math is not my forte. Who’s going to help her with her geometry homework? While I love to exercise - walking and swimming - I never mastered any team sport. When she started playing soccer, my own kid had to explain the rules to me.

Especially: Who’s going to set limits with her? Nurturing has always been my strong point, not discipline. Yes, a lot of my strengths and weaknesses seem to fall along stereotypical gender lines. But they are who I am. And without having a man - a partner - around, I find myself wondering: How will I handle it all?

In search of answers, I pick up the phone and call Cheryl Erwin, a marriage and family therapist in Reno, Nevada. Her book, “Positive Discipline for Single Parents” is on my shelf and I often browse through it when I’m feeling on edge. “Single moms really worry about discipline,” Erwin says. “Part of this is cultural. There’s that whole ‘Wait till your father gets home!’ way of thinking. But research shows that single dads fair no better than single moms.”

Erwin points out that there is no greater rate of delinquency or other behavior problems in children with single mothers than with single fathers. Instead, she says, the most influential factor in single parenting appears to be economics and the effect that poverty has on families. “Single moms usually wind up working longer hours for less money than do fathers, which has an obvious effect on family life,” says Erwin.

The most important thing for single parents - male and female - is educating themselves about everything from how to discipline to what’s going on developmentally with your child at certain ages. Erwin urges me to take local parenting classes or attend a workshop, which will also allow me to meet other single parents who share my concerns.

By educating yourself, Erwin says, you gain much more confidence in your own ability to decide what the limits are and how to handle discipline questions.

Thanks!… I’d love to hear about how you handle discipline — and other life issues — on your own.