Single Parenting

Operating Instructions… A must-read for every single mom out there!

Whenever I get quiet time — which these days, is at night after getting my Big Girl to sleep — I cherish my reading time. These days, I’m devouring non-fiction, having just finished Baby Love by Rebecca Walker

Some of my other all-time favorite books are:

Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott

Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls

A Round-Heeled Woman by Jane Juska

Lucky by Alice Sebold’s

Please tell me: what are you reading these days? Send me your recommendations. Thanks!

books, reading, motherhood, single parenting, single mom, recommend

No one seems to know.

The popular media gives us shoe shopaholics, ditzy desperados, wannabe brides forever making cow eyes at The Bachelor. But what do single women have to say about their own lives?

Please read Single State of the Union: Single Women Speak Out on Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness to find out!

With sass, humor, and style, Single State of the Union, edited by the brilliant Diane Mapes, paints a provocative, playful, and complex portrait of today’s single woman. And, yes, yours truly has something to say in here about the fact that it’s time to scape-goating single moms.

I swallowed up this collection in two nights, laughing most of the way, and I highly recommend it.

single, reading, single moms, single women, media, book

Although I’m only 34 (!), I subscribe daily to “Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40,” written by the Dating Goddess, because her posts are so brilliant. Today’s blog really hit home for me:

Does he want a ‘mommy‘?

The Goddess says:

“Some midlife women complain that some men they’ve dated seem to want someone to take care of them — a mommy. Of course, in a Oedipal twist, they also want her to perform in the bedroom, assuming he still can.

Being a mother figure isn’t all bad if that is what you like. Many women like nurturing and caring for others. But it does upset the transactional analysis concept that we behave in Parent, Adult and Child modes. Eric Berne’s theory is that the most evolved relationship is one where both people treat each other like adults.

Some couples’ relationships, however, are built on both taking on Adult/Parent behaviors about various things. Even some 21st-Century women expect the man be the Adult in the economic area where he is the primary breadwinner. The trade off is she takes on the Parent role in the caretaking/housekeeping area.

So what are the signs a guy is just looking for someone to take care of him? Here’s a list of somewhat obvious signs. (Any of these alone is not evidence of his wanting to be mommied, but if there are many of these signs, cut the apron strings.)

He lets you do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and domestic duties. If you suggest he help, he makes excuses, including “I don’t do it as well as you.� He conveniently “forgets� to do the tasks you request to share household chores.

He behaves in child-like ways. He leaves his clothes on the floor, doesn’t take initiative for household repairs, doesn’t manage his bills, may neglect his hygiene or appearance.

He shows submissiveness. Instead of his putting his arm around you, he takes your arm and puts it around his shoulders. His idea of cuddling is for you to enwrap him in your arms….”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Dating Goddess has described my ex to a T!

I will take full responsibility for diving in head-first into the Mommy role with my ex. As a single mom, it was easy — and yes, fulfilling at first — to make a bigger dinner every night so that he could join us. It was a no-brainer, at first, to pick up his clothes from the floor — as I often do for my daughter — and wash them, dry them, fold them. Wash his dishes? Sure!

Then he started to ask me to help him write his contracting bids for work, since I’m an English major. Sure, honey! But one day, I naively asked, “Who wrote your bids before me?”

“My other girlfriends.”

Ah, run for your life….

For more signs that show how a man wants to be mommied, read the rest of the Dating Goddess here.

dating Internet, dating online, dating over 40, online dating advice, dating after 40, dating after forty, Dating Goddess, relationship, single parenting, single parent, single mom

Single Mom Heather…

In the Motherhood — a first-ever, mom-focused web series — is on its way to you, with another real single mom on the front stage.

At a first peek, this media project — backed by MSN.com, Spring, and the Ellen Degeneres Show — might appear a bit corny. But we shall see!

In short, moms across the country will write and collaborate with Hollywood screenwriters to create a series of web-based films starring actress Leah Remini, best known for her role in the “The King of Queens.�

Directed by Peter Lauer, whose directorial credits include “Malcolm in the Middleâ€? and “Arrested Development,â€? each In the Motherhood webisode will profile the hectic yet always humorous lives of three mom friends. And one of these lucky moms is “Heather,” “a busy single mom with two wild kids and a dog named Cassidy.”

“I have been running around nonstop,” writes single mom Heather in her blog, adding that her kids “are my world… but now with the kids in school- I’m finally trying to have some ‘Heather Time’!!”

Part of the project invites moms write to out their story “and with a few mouse clicks, it’s transformed into a Hollywood script.”

The online mom community will vote and nominate the best entries, which will then be polished and incorporated into the webisodes. The first webisode will air on the Ellen Degeneres Show on May 11 and subsequent webisodes will air on May 22, May 29, June 5 and June 12.

I’m going to tune in, with hopes that the single mom is portrayed as a smart, savvy, loving, go-getting mama!

single motherhood, motherhood, MSN.com, Ellen Degeneres, Leah Remini, TV, web

Another single mom I know recently spotted this want ad on our local Bay Area personal ads on Craig’s List.

“Single Dad Seeks Soon-to-be/ Wanna-be Mom” says:

I recently saw and responded to an ad from a pregnant lady which got me thinking about when I was a soon-to-be dad.

I am a single dad of teenage kids and I can’t have any more kids. I want to feel like I did when my ex was pregnant and we were expecting our children. I never felt more in love or more alive. Watching the belly grow and feel the baby kick. Visits to the doctors and endless worrying over the slightest detail. For once, everything felt right with the world…

I want to be part of your adventure…I could be the father figure that’s missing and be supportive in every way, and I will cherish the experience forever.

If you’re pregnant and single, or are contemplating being a single mom, I could be great help during the pregnancy as well as afterwards.

A little about me…I am educated, very intelligent, generous, compassionate and spiritual. I have a great job and I am very successful. I love kids and have custody of mine.

If you’re out there, I look forward to hearing from you.

So, what do you single moms think?… Would you reply?….

single mom, single dad, dating

Hokie Spirit Memorial Fund

April 16, 2007, will be remembered as one of the darkest days in the history of the Virginia Tech community and the world beyond.

To remember and honor the victims of those tragic events, the university has established the Hokie Spirit Memorial Fund to aid in the healing process and generate financial support.

The fund will be used to cover expenses including but not limited to:

• Grief counseling
• Memorials
• Communication expenses
• Comfort expenses
• Incidental needs

If you plan to give, please click the link below:

I’ll admit that I’m a sucker for dating advice — especially when it’s well-written, as are the Dating Without Drama newsletters that land in my Inbox from Paige Parker.

This morning’s posting really caught my attention: “I’m a Single Mom…I Need Encouragement to Get Back in the Dating Game”

Paige highlights a letter that was sent from a woman who has been a single mom for over a year, who is now “ready to enter into the dating world” but unsure about her dating skills. She also mentions that “whenever I mention that fact (my daughter is someone that I am very, very proud of and feel extremely blessed to call mine) they all run for the hills screaming that they are not ready for anything serious.”

Single moms out there: Do men run screaming when you say “I’m a single mom”?

I’m sorry, but I just haven’t had this experience.

And this goes for all of the dating single moms I know. Maybe it’s because we live in the liberal Bay Area, where people are generally open-minded. Maybe it’s because there are so many divorces here in California — you’ve either come from a divorced family, are divorced yourself, or both — so there’s hardly a stigma. Or maybe it’s because we hardly blink an eye at the guys who might shun us….

Paige, in true form, offers this single mom some excellent advice:

“LET THE LOSERS RUN! Sure, there are guys out there who might get freaked out when they learn that you have a kid. I say, let them run! You’re looking for a quality man who will love you for everything you are and will welcome your child(ren) into his life. If he bails in the beginning, good riddance! He wasn’t the right one for you or your wonderful family.”

If you’d like to read the rest of Paige’s right-on dating advice — I encourage you to do so! — please sign on here: DatingWithoutDrama.com

single moms, single parents, dating, advice, Paige Parker

I’m putting out the fire after a camping trip last summer…

Here, in the Bay Area, if you haven’t signed your kid up for camp yet, it’s a scramble. Is this the case in the rest of the country? Whew!

When I think of summer, images of palm trees and the ocean come to mind, let’s relax, right? As a single parent, not necessarily.

If you’re still in flux about what your child will do this summer, have you checked your your local recreation centers, churches or temples, or the YMCA? Many of these groups offer discounts to single parents.

And if you haven’t signed up your child for camp yet, don’t despair, says American Camp Association Board Member Ann Woods, also the owner and director of the East Bay’s Roughing It Camp for the past 33 years.

“I don’t think parents should give up,” says Woods. “There are still openings. Also, the full tuition is due for a lot of camps in May, so if there’s a change in one’s family - say, a parent changes jobs and the family has to pull out - that opens up a space.”

summer, single parents, fun, kids, camp

When I first became a single mom — in the year 2000, when my daughter was seven months old — the last thing on my mind was a Man. But a year passed and I got my feet back on the ground. I loved being a mom. I loved my work. I was 29 years old and my hopefulness was returning. Just as my daughter approached two, I ventured back out there.

I’m the kind of woman who likes to put everything is on the table — I was honest about the fact that I’m a single mom. I don’t like secrets.

If you’re dating as a single mom, are upfront about this? Why? Or, why not?

If you’re online, do you put it right out there, “I’m a single mom…”?

single mom, dating, honesty, online

Yikes. I just read an article in England’s One Up Magazine for single parents, ‘”It’s time you pulled the plug on your life,” and I think someone better come quick and pull my plug.

“Want to do a quick test to see how over-stressed and stretched you are?” writes life coach Carol Ann Rice. “Put a mental tick next to the following scenarios that apply to you:”

• you feel relief and are secretly happy when a friend cancels or a family event is postponed

• you have to-do lists and schedules coming out of your ears yet never look at them

• your underwear drawer looks like an abstract expression of spaghetti junction

• despite a weekly shop you still have to wearily lug carrier bags home from the local stores every evening

• you can’t remember what you were doing yesterday

• you forget to send birthday cards

• doing the ironing is now considered a leisure activity.

~~~

Here’s the truth: I put a mental tick next to EVERY single one of those buggers.

How did you do?

But even with a mama who’s at the end of her rope, the Big Girl seems to be living it up…. Here she is this week, about to go on a wild spinning ride…

single parent, single mom, stress, schedule, time

I love my sweet clown….

It’s Spring Break here and for the past two years, one of my single mom friends and I have “traded” kids for the week. We work every other day, cramming a whole lot of work into half the time, and spend the other days with the girls. We call it “Mom’s Camp,” and our girls say it’s the best fun. So far, they’ve been to Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, Lawrence Hall of Science, and the Animal Shelter. Today, they’re off to Marine World!

When your child is off school, what do you do for childcare? How do you handle both work and parenting when you’re on your own?

These girls get wild…

No, you haven’t missed your chance to to receive a copy of Single Mom Seeking. Solo Mother is still holding her single mom’s dating contest online.

Are you dating as a single mom? What was your last date like? How do you find the time? Are you having a ball, or….?

Solo Mother says, “Drop me a line and I’ll put your names in a hat and pick one. No peeking.”

book, giveaway, Rachel Sarah, single mom, Single Mom Seeking, single mother, single mother, Christina Zola

If you haven’t paid a visit to one of the most resourceful single parent site out there — Making Lemonade – it’s time!

Jodi Seidler, creator of Making Lemonade, says:

“However you got there, by choice or by circumstance, single parenting, as rewarding as it is, can be a challenging and often stressful way of life.

Finding the delicate balance between work, home, children and time for ones self can be overwhelming. While different than the standard nuclear family, single-parent families have their own strengths from which to build, along with gathering information, resources and tools.

Single parenting presents personal and lifestyle challenges that often requires new skills and continuing education, creating an incredible opportunity to discover new strengths, and take on new responsibilities.”

Take a peak and learn something new at Making Lemonade… “the place for single parents to learn valuable tools, gain insights, find inspiration and be and feel empowered.”

single parents, single moms, tools, resources, information, Making Lemonade, Jodi Seidler

Please check out the current issue of Pregnancy Magazine (May 07) for an article by yours truly: “The Single & Pregnant: Dating do’s and some don’ts.”

More women than ever are choosing motherhood before matrimony. Data recently released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention show that nearly four in 10 U.S. babies were born outside of marriage in 2005—a new high. Many of these women are looking for ways to balance their pregnancies with their search for companionship.

Read the article for a few tips on dating while pregnant!

single, pregnant, dating, single motherhood, single mom

When Seattle Post-Intelligencer columnist Diane Mapes recently wrote a column called The Singles File: Don’t be childish about dating a mom, the men sure came out to “sound off.”

They accused us of being too selfish and not really serious partner material.

Many Seattle single moms wrote back, illustrating so clearly how off-the-mark these guys are. One woman, Amy, emailed her response to me, and I think it’s right on. See for yourself:

“I am a 33 year single mother of a 6 year old daughter. I was never married to her dad and have never been embarrassed by my life choices (frustrated at times, yes). I have dated off an on since my daughter’s father and I decided to throw in the towel in 2001.

It has been an adventure as much as an education in human behavior.

I look at it this way I have baggage- Mine is the carry-on kind. You can see it, you can see me struggling with it at times. A lot of people have more baggage though…the kind you store underneath in big ugly bags that no one knows you have until you are well into your travels. We all have it, it just comes in different forms and we have to carry it in different ways. If you lose your baggage you may lose important parts of yourself. I love my bags, they aren’t designer, but they make up who I am.

… Dating a single parent is a challenge, but relationships of all kinds are challenging. I have had one man I had been seeing for a while actually say to me “dating you is a hassle”, because I couldn’t just pick up and leave for the weekend as he wished. I hope the door hit him on his way out.

The advantages of dating me are pretty awesome too. They get the advantage of dating someone who has strong, clear priorities, knows how to truly put others first, make any situation more comfortable and no one can multitask like a single parent. I am truly a grown up full of knowledge and compassion. I have been through pregnancy and child birth so I am REALLY comfortable with my body and with talking about sex, birth control, STDs. I am attractive, bright, funny and outgoing. I have a great job and support myself and my daughter independently. I have high morals (despite what people may believe).

I have fantastic friends and the most supportive loving family anyone could ask for. I have an incredible, bright, healthy, beautiful, hysterical daughter. What more could a man want? I am a package deal, but they get a complete package.”

dating, single moms, single parents, men