The ‘Ex’ Factor
My son has grown up in a happy, healthy household. A single parent household, but still happy and healthy. His father hasn’t seen him since he was 1 (Sebastian turned 6 this month). We live across country from each other, but that’s no real excuse for not even calling.
Two years ago, he called. It was his usual “once-every-six-months” five minute conversation. To him, that’s enough effort. To me, it puts Sebastian on another emotional rollercoaster. One that he stays on for about 5 months … just long enough for his father to call again and start the ride. This time, I thought, I was going to let him know where we stood. I told him to take 
responsibility and make a real effort. Keep in mind, we had this conversation many, many times before. I told him he had a month to show me that he was going to do the right thing. After that, we may not answer the phone. He never called again.
Much to my surprise, Sebastian received a birthday gift from his father this month. My response is going to make a lot of you angry, and make a lot of you cheer.
I sent it back.
Comment away .. the good, the bad, the ugly. I’m not 100% sure of my decision, but I am 100% sure that my son is safely off of the broken down rollercoaster.
August 10th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
I just read your article titled The ‘Ex’ Factor and I am not one to reply but this was different. I don’t know you but am amazingly proud of you.I was in a situation very much like yours,you know the roller coaster ride.After years of watching my children get their hopes up only to be let down and broken hearted, I finally took a stand. I sent that one gift back and I have to tell you, It was the best feeling I had in years.Some people say it was done out of spite and that the children have a right to gifts or money that he might send but this is not so. Parenting is a 100%, full-time,in the trenches kind of job.There is no room or time for people who chose to parent based on convenience.Take care and great job.
September 19th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I, too, have an ex who parents based solely on convenience. If his visitation on a given week doesn’t fit into his personal schedule of merrymaking, he doesn’t bother fulfilling it. Just yesterday it was my daughter’s 8th birthday. He bought her one throw-away, toss-off kind of gift and actually told her that he didn’t have time to do anything else for her. Not even a card. This, for a little girl who loves him beyond all reason. I was furious but what can I do? I’m just wondering how he could have found the time between beers to purchase a cute card with My Little Pony on it. It doesn’t seem difficult.
I love that you sent the gift back. If he can’t “do the time” when it comes to parenting, he doesn’t deserve to experience to joy of his son thanking him for a gift. Period.
Hang in there. Believe me, I know it’s tough.